Monday, October 25, 2010

A Mother's Love

My sisters and brother got this Mother's Love charm for me when we lost the baby.  I haven't taken it off yet.  I know it's silly, but I feel like if I wear it, I will honor her.  I worry that if I take it off, it means that I don't love her anymore, or that I'm saying I don't have room for her in my heart anymore.  It's funny how grief drives all logic away.  I catch myself playing with the charm a lot, and it makes me smile to know that though I only had her for two months, my life is better for having had her at all.

I have used the back of my bathroom door as a giant chalkboard in the past.  I usually write scriptures, quotes, etc on the door as inspiration or humor.  However, I had painted over it shortly before we lost the baby, and I've been unable to write anything on it yet.  I have been so immersed in my sadness that I felt like anything I wrote on there would be a lie.  Because even thought I one thousand percent believe in God's goodness, mercy, and love, I am sad.  Every day.  Today I can't get the image of God's truth casting light into my life out of my head.  I went into the bathroom and wrote "TRUTH" in big purple letters to help remind me that God gives beauty for ashes.  (BTW, that phrase may be my next tattoo).  I am actually excited about putting up new verses and quotes up now.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran

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