Numbers

There are some numbers that have been chasing each other around in my head the last few days.  I have been sick with what I thought was strep (the nurse practioner at a local urgent care deemed it an upper respiratory infection), so perhaps the physical drama wore me down enough to give room for the emotional drama.  I am in a funky place of being somewhat depressed and not being able to solve it with a run or a good book.

Numbers:

38- days until my husband will be home again
19- weeks since he has been gone
363- days since the ultrasound revealing my baby had died
13- weeks pregnant when we lost our baby Nora
12- hours until my sister gets on a plane for Africa for two years
141.5- the number on the scale today (the highest it has ever been)
124- the number on the scale at this time last year
3- the amount of miles I can run without stopping
6- the amount of miles I should be able to run without stopping as per my training schedule
16- hours I slept yesterday when feeling so sick
3:30- the time I fell asleep this morning

Most of the numbers listed above are fairly depressing.  I have had some sad things on my heart lately, and it can be hard to shake them off.  I am really dreading the one year anniversary of my miscarriage.  I am still journeying towards acceptance and peace, knowing that I will get there someday.  And having my sweet husband far away makes the anniversary of losing our sweet baby much sharper.  My husband is such a comfort to me, always leading me to the LORD and reminding me of His promises.  I will always miss my baby, but I am so aware that she is in heaven already and that God has a plan for my life that will bring Him glory.  Lee and I will have babies someday, somehow.  I just miss the baby that I never got to hold.

It's funny how the number on the scale pops out like a sumo wrestler to throw down.  The number is a number, not my identity or my self worth.  Yet I let it drag my mood to a gross place, a place of self-loathing and despair.  I am working out six days a week and eating (mostly) right.  And I need to continue to do those same things.  No crazy dieting, no toxic pills.  I know what it means to be healthy, and that should be my goal.  Weight-loss and fitness are not quickly achieved. 

My sister's departure came sooner than anticipated.  I can't believe it's already time for her to go.  I am so proud of her.  I am somewhat jealous of the adventures to come.  I have loved having her as my roommate the last nineteen weeks and am going to miss her severely.



Do you ever get in a funk?  How do you deal when your "funk" is not just a bad or lethargic mood, but actually based on real, sad events in your life?

My hunny came home!

My sweet airman was granted leave for the holiday weekend. He and a friend drove a rental car and picked up a third friend along the way. Lee dropped them off in a nearby college town, and then came to see me!



The dogs were a little mad at first, especially Callie, who is "his" dog. But they got over it.




Of course our first stop was at our favorite gas and drink place. I seriously love Quik Trip.




And of course I was a girl and all worries about how funky my bangs were acting.




With his good looking family at Outback. When Lee left, his sister was still engaged. When Lee came back, he had a new brother!! Pretty cool.




Us in the car on the way to see my parents and sisters. It kind of stunk that my brother and Lee misses each other at home by two days, but they will both be home by September. Then they can have brother time.




Lee and I at his granny's for Sunday dinner. Almost the whole family was there. I love when we are all together. And his grandma made his "Branson dinner", which is apparently a form of succotash. Lee said it was the first time he's had seconds since before he left.




Here we are on a date!!! We went to Los Cabos. Yum. There was a live band and fireworks. And a storm warning. Of course, it's Oklahoma.

I love this man. He leaves in less than six hours to finish technical school. But he will be home in eight weeks!!!!!!!!!!

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Snapshots from the Ol' Iphone

My baby brother suprising us after being gone for a summer intership

Getting dressed up

First time at a casino- Heather's bachelorette party

Two feathers and some highlights.  Oh, and bangs.  Why bangs?  Bad decision.

This is what I look like when I wake up...

My sisters are GORGEOUS

I came home to this taking up half of my driveway

Technical School and Missing My Man

When my husband told me he wanted to enlist in the Air National Guard, my first response was a resounding "No."  And that no remained on my lips for weeks as I nodded in agreement to his choice, as I smiled to our friends and family when he told them the news, as I kissed him in support on his way to the recruiter's office.

Sometimes marriage is holding back your no.  Holding back your fear, your sadness, your bossiness, in order to let the other person say yes.  Sometimes their yes is more important than your no.  Your no may be right, but their yes is more right. 

His yes is motivated by different reasons than my no.  Losing the baby gave him a different outlook.  He was going to be a father, and then he wasn't going to be a father anymore.  Someday he will have a chance to be a father again, and he needs to be ready.  He needs to know that he is the best father he can be to our future children.

His yes is driven by his desire to see who he can be, when he is only himself.  His yes has been waiting inside for years as he has grown up in the same town, as he has stayed safe and gone to school and worked jobs that were expected of him.  His yes was expecting to be given a chance to be proven, to be tested, to be shouted.  His yes has been fighting inside of him for years.  Perhaps his yes could have escaped if we lived in a different life?  If we hadn't gotten married at such a tender age, if he gone away to college, if he had military family members?

His yes was patient.  His yes was ready.  His yes knew that the right time was waiting, that it was coming, that it was here.

This isn't a path I would have chosen.  He has been gone for fourteen weeks, and I miss him.  I ache for him.  I can hardly be without him.  I lie awake and night staring into the darkness, staying on my own side.  I spend money however I want, on shirts and dog toys and fast food.  I stay up late.  I am a version of myself that I may have been if I had been single somewhere along the line, if I hadn't gotten married at nineteen and moved from my parents' house to my husband's house.

My no has truth to it.  But his yes is more than my no.  Sometimes marriage is choosing to say "I am doing this for you", selflessly, maybe even selfishly.  Because if my no had turned in to his no, would he be unhappy?  Would he resent me?  Would he feel guilty for denying a dream he had held onto for all of those years?

And someday I will be glad for his yes.  I will be glad for a husband who is true to himself, to his dreams, to his future.  I will be proud of him.

Tonight I just miss him.

Bye Bye, Dairy!

Growing up, my mom told us that my three siblings and I were allergic to dairy.  We didn't drink or eat many dairy products.  As an adult, I pretty much stuck to a fairly dairy-free lifestyle.  With the exception of ice cream and milk with Oreos, I didn't consume much dairy.  In the past few years, it started to creep in a little more into my daily life, and it hurt.  Most dairy made me sick to my stomach...or worse.  Last week I decided to go to the doctor and get an official diagnosis.  I have a great primary care physician who listens really well to my ailments (although I think he gets pretty tired of my many mystery issues.  And he did tell me awhile back not to googleanymore before I come in.  Whoops).  He did tell me that I was lactose intolerant, though he told me to watch my gluten intake as well as many times one can be confused for the other or one can invariably lead to the other.

Knowing that I am lactose intolerant honestly will make few changes in my life.  I know that I have the option of taking Lactaid pills if I want something with dairy.  However, most of the dairy that I want to eat I should probably avoid anyway- ice cream, milk with oreos, milk in my coffee.  I drink almond or soy milk at home and yogurt doesn't bother me, so I honestly think I am going to be okay.  This isn't devastating news for me, and I am glad to know that it is what it is.

We Love Fish Tacos

So by the way, fish tacos are more than just fish sticks on a regular taco.  Wish my sisters and I had thought that out a little better.  Fish tacos are one of my favorite foods, but I've never made them myself.  We should have googled it, because they just were kind of unassuming and boring.  And also, http://www.welovefishtacos.com/ is a website.  For real.




This is not what ours looked like, unfortunately


Wednesdays and Thursdays we watch So You Think You Can Dance together.  It's our favorite (well, behind NCIS).  That show amazes me with the amount of raw talent.  Maybe it's because I only took dance to straighten out my feet and posture (I had to wear braces on my feet when I was little even), or maybe it's because I can't get halfway close to the splits and even touching my toes is hard sometimes, but that show blows my mind.  Not only are the dancers amazing, but the choreographers and the costume designers as well.  I don't have a favorite yet, but my favorite dance of the night was Melanie and Marko. 

I've read a bunch of random books lately.  Most have been boring, but I did enjoy the first novel in the Sookie Stackhouse series.  The Gossip Girl prequel was pretty much the same as the actual show (with a few random changes), The Nine Lives of Chloe King was a teen novel that felt like a teen novel, and Deja Dead (the book on which the tv show Bones is based) was so totally different from the television show that I couldn't even begin to get into it.  And it was set in Canada.  I have The Shadow Thieves by Anne Ursu to read next.  What are you reading?  Do you have any suggestions? 

If you like to read, you really need to check out http://www.paperbackswap.com/.  Basically the concept of the site is that you post to your "bookshelf" any books you don't want anymore.  Someone requests the book and you send it to them via media mail (about $2.40).  They credit your account, and you are able to request any book on the site, which is then sent to you for free.  You also get two free credits just for posting your first ten books on the site.  I have loved using it so far and have had no problems.  I have received four books from the site and sent one.  (If that seems like bad math to you, it's because it is.  You can also buy three credits for $10).  The only issue I really see with it is that you have to have books people want to request.  Some of the ones I posted are kind of obscure, so it's possible no one will ever request them.  I guess that's where being able to purchase credits come in nicely.  Because $10 for three books is still pretty good.  Sister sites also exist for cds and dvds, though I haven't used them.

Whoo- New Race Training

Today my friend Stephanie and I signed up for the Rt 66 half in November.  Well, we actually signed up for training through Fleet Feet.  Stephanie hasn't ran a half before, and I would really like to step up from my first, so I am totally excited about the personalized training.

I also had two $25 gift certificates to use there, which means I got two pairs of Nike shorts for $22.  Yeah.  A pink pair and a purple pair.  That's awesome.   

I spent waaay too much time on homework today.  Two of my three classes are fast-track and will last only a month.  I am loving all three classes and what I am learning.  It is so great to feel such a good fit with my major (which will be my degree in a few short months.)  I have a Youth Offenders class, one over Family and Child Welfare, and Intro to Social Work.  Whooo!

I got to talk to my airman a little tonight.  He is at the stage in technical school where he can get off base (ATP, I think.)  It's wonderful to Skype and call and text and email....so much better than when he was in BMT (bootcamp).  Although it's still another twelve weeks until he is home, it makes it better to actually get to speak to him now.  Although now he knows how much I cry.  Haha.  I bet he didn't miss the normal things like PMS and my money habits and when I don't want to kill a spider.  Tonight I asked him how to find studs so that I can hang a clock.  Sometimes I am seriously such a girl.

Have you heard of Pinterest?  It's my new favorite site.  My youngest sister got me totally hooked on it.  I love looking at the beautiful food creations, the DIY projects, the fashion, the home decor.  Basically I just love it all.  Check it out!!!