Bedlam Run

Yesterday my friend Stephanie and I participated in our local Fleet Feet's Bedlam run.  I did the 5k and Stephanie did the 10k.

My race was pretty dissappointing.  My ankle is still bothering me from where I rolled it last week, so that hindered my running. It was super hot outside, and the course had a pretty major hill right in the middle.

Here we are at the beginning of the race:

Here I am after I had to fall back so that I could walk a bit for my ankle.  I've never had to walk in a 5k before.  Oh well.  Final time was 38:44.  It's a PW by about three minutes.

I am also coming to the realization that I am just not in the shape that I was in the spring.  I keep trying to fake it and then feeling like a failure.  All of my long Saturday runs have ended badly (one with me wandering around lost in downtown Tulsa with no phone or car keys).

I spoke with my half-marathon coach about it, and I think that I am going to bump down to a slower pace group.  At first I was kind of depressed about having to go down to a slower group.  But I felt like I was failing every week, and I knew that soon I would stop trying.  I would like to succeed, and that means bumping down.  I am choosing not to view this negatively.  I am still running, still being healthy, still out there every week trying.  And at the end, I will still be running a half marathon.  I will be winning!

On a Stick

I recently discovered that I have a subscription to Amazon Prime.  I guess when I bought my Kitchen Aid mixer last December I also purchased that.... whoops.  At an $80 price tag, it would have been nice to consciously make that decision.  Now that I have free shipping on so many wonderful items, I have had to watch my impulse to buy, buy, buy.  One of the things that did not escape the beauty of free shipping and reduced pricing was a new cookbook called On a Stick by Matt Armendariz.

This cookbook is AWESOME.  When it came in the mail, I instantly sat down and began to "read" it.  There isn't hardly a recipe in the book that I'm not excited to make.  The book covers a range of cooking skills and includes flavors from around the world.  I am especially pumped about the chicken and waffles recipe and the bacon wrapped ship.  I can't wait to try the pizza skewers or the cinnamon rolls.  Yay! 

They're Real

I am a self- confessed mascara addict. Since my awkward preteen days of blue eyeshadow and chalky pink blush, mascara has been my favorite beauty product. I am picky about what I like and have high expectations, especially of "nice" mascara. I shock my mother frequently when she asks the price of my mascara (this coming from a woman who has used Maybelline Great Lash for longer than I've been alive).

I have a new favorite mascara- Benefit's They're Real. It has a plastic hard brush, which I normally hate. And I did end up poking my right eye somewhat severely. But I am amazed at this formula. My eyelashes were longer, curled, and had more volume. The box lists instructions for using the wand vertically as well as horizontally- I ignored that and put my mascara on the way I always have.

Here is the link to their website: http://www.benefitcosmetics.com/b/2985617011/intid=2011_confessions. I figured you would enjoy their professional photographs more than my crazy iPhone 3GS pictures.

Well, I couldn't resist a few of my own shots...

BEFORE:










AFTER:











This mascara is awesome.





- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Numbers

There are some numbers that have been chasing each other around in my head the last few days.  I have been sick with what I thought was strep (the nurse practioner at a local urgent care deemed it an upper respiratory infection), so perhaps the physical drama wore me down enough to give room for the emotional drama.  I am in a funky place of being somewhat depressed and not being able to solve it with a run or a good book.

Numbers:

38- days until my husband will be home again
19- weeks since he has been gone
363- days since the ultrasound revealing my baby had died
13- weeks pregnant when we lost our baby Nora
12- hours until my sister gets on a plane for Africa for two years
141.5- the number on the scale today (the highest it has ever been)
124- the number on the scale at this time last year
3- the amount of miles I can run without stopping
6- the amount of miles I should be able to run without stopping as per my training schedule
16- hours I slept yesterday when feeling so sick
3:30- the time I fell asleep this morning

Most of the numbers listed above are fairly depressing.  I have had some sad things on my heart lately, and it can be hard to shake them off.  I am really dreading the one year anniversary of my miscarriage.  I am still journeying towards acceptance and peace, knowing that I will get there someday.  And having my sweet husband far away makes the anniversary of losing our sweet baby much sharper.  My husband is such a comfort to me, always leading me to the LORD and reminding me of His promises.  I will always miss my baby, but I am so aware that she is in heaven already and that God has a plan for my life that will bring Him glory.  Lee and I will have babies someday, somehow.  I just miss the baby that I never got to hold.

It's funny how the number on the scale pops out like a sumo wrestler to throw down.  The number is a number, not my identity or my self worth.  Yet I let it drag my mood to a gross place, a place of self-loathing and despair.  I am working out six days a week and eating (mostly) right.  And I need to continue to do those same things.  No crazy dieting, no toxic pills.  I know what it means to be healthy, and that should be my goal.  Weight-loss and fitness are not quickly achieved. 

My sister's departure came sooner than anticipated.  I can't believe it's already time for her to go.  I am so proud of her.  I am somewhat jealous of the adventures to come.  I have loved having her as my roommate the last nineteen weeks and am going to miss her severely.



Do you ever get in a funk?  How do you deal when your "funk" is not just a bad or lethargic mood, but actually based on real, sad events in your life?

My hunny came home!

My sweet airman was granted leave for the holiday weekend. He and a friend drove a rental car and picked up a third friend along the way. Lee dropped them off in a nearby college town, and then came to see me!



The dogs were a little mad at first, especially Callie, who is "his" dog. But they got over it.




Of course our first stop was at our favorite gas and drink place. I seriously love Quik Trip.




And of course I was a girl and all worries about how funky my bangs were acting.




With his good looking family at Outback. When Lee left, his sister was still engaged. When Lee came back, he had a new brother!! Pretty cool.




Us in the car on the way to see my parents and sisters. It kind of stunk that my brother and Lee misses each other at home by two days, but they will both be home by September. Then they can have brother time.




Lee and I at his granny's for Sunday dinner. Almost the whole family was there. I love when we are all together. And his grandma made his "Branson dinner", which is apparently a form of succotash. Lee said it was the first time he's had seconds since before he left.




Here we are on a date!!! We went to Los Cabos. Yum. There was a live band and fireworks. And a storm warning. Of course, it's Oklahoma.

I love this man. He leaves in less than six hours to finish technical school. But he will be home in eight weeks!!!!!!!!!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Snapshots from the Ol' Iphone

My baby brother suprising us after being gone for a summer intership

Getting dressed up

First time at a casino- Heather's bachelorette party

Two feathers and some highlights.  Oh, and bangs.  Why bangs?  Bad decision.

This is what I look like when I wake up...

My sisters are GORGEOUS

I came home to this taking up half of my driveway

Technical School and Missing My Man

When my husband told me he wanted to enlist in the Air National Guard, my first response was a resounding "No."  And that no remained on my lips for weeks as I nodded in agreement to his choice, as I smiled to our friends and family when he told them the news, as I kissed him in support on his way to the recruiter's office.

Sometimes marriage is holding back your no.  Holding back your fear, your sadness, your bossiness, in order to let the other person say yes.  Sometimes their yes is more important than your no.  Your no may be right, but their yes is more right. 

His yes is motivated by different reasons than my no.  Losing the baby gave him a different outlook.  He was going to be a father, and then he wasn't going to be a father anymore.  Someday he will have a chance to be a father again, and he needs to be ready.  He needs to know that he is the best father he can be to our future children.

His yes is driven by his desire to see who he can be, when he is only himself.  His yes has been waiting inside for years as he has grown up in the same town, as he has stayed safe and gone to school and worked jobs that were expected of him.  His yes was expecting to be given a chance to be proven, to be tested, to be shouted.  His yes has been fighting inside of him for years.  Perhaps his yes could have escaped if we lived in a different life?  If we hadn't gotten married at such a tender age, if he gone away to college, if he had military family members?

His yes was patient.  His yes was ready.  His yes knew that the right time was waiting, that it was coming, that it was here.

This isn't a path I would have chosen.  He has been gone for fourteen weeks, and I miss him.  I ache for him.  I can hardly be without him.  I lie awake and night staring into the darkness, staying on my own side.  I spend money however I want, on shirts and dog toys and fast food.  I stay up late.  I am a version of myself that I may have been if I had been single somewhere along the line, if I hadn't gotten married at nineteen and moved from my parents' house to my husband's house.

My no has truth to it.  But his yes is more than my no.  Sometimes marriage is choosing to say "I am doing this for you", selflessly, maybe even selfishly.  Because if my no had turned in to his no, would he be unhappy?  Would he resent me?  Would he feel guilty for denying a dream he had held onto for all of those years?

And someday I will be glad for his yes.  I will be glad for a husband who is true to himself, to his dreams, to his future.  I will be proud of him.

Tonight I just miss him.