Numbers

There are some numbers that have been chasing each other around in my head the last few days.  I have been sick with what I thought was strep (the nurse practioner at a local urgent care deemed it an upper respiratory infection), so perhaps the physical drama wore me down enough to give room for the emotional drama.  I am in a funky place of being somewhat depressed and not being able to solve it with a run or a good book.

Numbers:

38- days until my husband will be home again
19- weeks since he has been gone
363- days since the ultrasound revealing my baby had died
13- weeks pregnant when we lost our baby Nora
12- hours until my sister gets on a plane for Africa for two years
141.5- the number on the scale today (the highest it has ever been)
124- the number on the scale at this time last year
3- the amount of miles I can run without stopping
6- the amount of miles I should be able to run without stopping as per my training schedule
16- hours I slept yesterday when feeling so sick
3:30- the time I fell asleep this morning

Most of the numbers listed above are fairly depressing.  I have had some sad things on my heart lately, and it can be hard to shake them off.  I am really dreading the one year anniversary of my miscarriage.  I am still journeying towards acceptance and peace, knowing that I will get there someday.  And having my sweet husband far away makes the anniversary of losing our sweet baby much sharper.  My husband is such a comfort to me, always leading me to the LORD and reminding me of His promises.  I will always miss my baby, but I am so aware that she is in heaven already and that God has a plan for my life that will bring Him glory.  Lee and I will have babies someday, somehow.  I just miss the baby that I never got to hold.

It's funny how the number on the scale pops out like a sumo wrestler to throw down.  The number is a number, not my identity or my self worth.  Yet I let it drag my mood to a gross place, a place of self-loathing and despair.  I am working out six days a week and eating (mostly) right.  And I need to continue to do those same things.  No crazy dieting, no toxic pills.  I know what it means to be healthy, and that should be my goal.  Weight-loss and fitness are not quickly achieved. 

My sister's departure came sooner than anticipated.  I can't believe it's already time for her to go.  I am so proud of her.  I am somewhat jealous of the adventures to come.  I have loved having her as my roommate the last nineteen weeks and am going to miss her severely.



Do you ever get in a funk?  How do you deal when your "funk" is not just a bad or lethargic mood, but actually based on real, sad events in your life?

Technical School and Missing My Man

When my husband told me he wanted to enlist in the Air National Guard, my first response was a resounding "No."  And that no remained on my lips for weeks as I nodded in agreement to his choice, as I smiled to our friends and family when he told them the news, as I kissed him in support on his way to the recruiter's office.

Sometimes marriage is holding back your no.  Holding back your fear, your sadness, your bossiness, in order to let the other person say yes.  Sometimes their yes is more important than your no.  Your no may be right, but their yes is more right. 

His yes is motivated by different reasons than my no.  Losing the baby gave him a different outlook.  He was going to be a father, and then he wasn't going to be a father anymore.  Someday he will have a chance to be a father again, and he needs to be ready.  He needs to know that he is the best father he can be to our future children.

His yes is driven by his desire to see who he can be, when he is only himself.  His yes has been waiting inside for years as he has grown up in the same town, as he has stayed safe and gone to school and worked jobs that were expected of him.  His yes was expecting to be given a chance to be proven, to be tested, to be shouted.  His yes has been fighting inside of him for years.  Perhaps his yes could have escaped if we lived in a different life?  If we hadn't gotten married at such a tender age, if he gone away to college, if he had military family members?

His yes was patient.  His yes was ready.  His yes knew that the right time was waiting, that it was coming, that it was here.

This isn't a path I would have chosen.  He has been gone for fourteen weeks, and I miss him.  I ache for him.  I can hardly be without him.  I lie awake and night staring into the darkness, staying on my own side.  I spend money however I want, on shirts and dog toys and fast food.  I stay up late.  I am a version of myself that I may have been if I had been single somewhere along the line, if I hadn't gotten married at nineteen and moved from my parents' house to my husband's house.

My no has truth to it.  But his yes is more than my no.  Sometimes marriage is choosing to say "I am doing this for you", selflessly, maybe even selfishly.  Because if my no had turned in to his no, would he be unhappy?  Would he resent me?  Would he feel guilty for denying a dream he had held onto for all of those years?

And someday I will be glad for his yes.  I will be glad for a husband who is true to himself, to his dreams, to his future.  I will be proud of him.

Tonight I just miss him.

Whoo- New Race Training

Today my friend Stephanie and I signed up for the Rt 66 half in November.  Well, we actually signed up for training through Fleet Feet.  Stephanie hasn't ran a half before, and I would really like to step up from my first, so I am totally excited about the personalized training.

I also had two $25 gift certificates to use there, which means I got two pairs of Nike shorts for $22.  Yeah.  A pink pair and a purple pair.  That's awesome.   

I spent waaay too much time on homework today.  Two of my three classes are fast-track and will last only a month.  I am loving all three classes and what I am learning.  It is so great to feel such a good fit with my major (which will be my degree in a few short months.)  I have a Youth Offenders class, one over Family and Child Welfare, and Intro to Social Work.  Whooo!

I got to talk to my airman a little tonight.  He is at the stage in technical school where he can get off base (ATP, I think.)  It's wonderful to Skype and call and text and email....so much better than when he was in BMT (bootcamp).  Although it's still another twelve weeks until he is home, it makes it better to actually get to speak to him now.  Although now he knows how much I cry.  Haha.  I bet he didn't miss the normal things like PMS and my money habits and when I don't want to kill a spider.  Tonight I asked him how to find studs so that I can hang a clock.  Sometimes I am seriously such a girl.

Have you heard of Pinterest?  It's my new favorite site.  My youngest sister got me totally hooked on it.  I love looking at the beautiful food creations, the DIY projects, the fashion, the home decor.  Basically I just love it all.  Check it out!!!

This is for you, Laurie

I was reminded by my dear friend that I haven't blogged in awhile.  This semester is trying to kill me.  I'm enrolled in five classes (one of which is a lab).  I am working forty (plus) hours a week.  I have two fifteenish page papers due in April and June for PITC trainer certification.  My toe injury is just now about healed enough to run, so it's been over a month since I worked out and over two months since I ran last.  Oh, and my husband is in his fourth week at Basic Military Training (boot camp) for the Air National Guard.

(Pink and black logo designed for the wives and girlfriends like me)



This semester (my last full time one!!) would have been crazy anyway, but being separated from Lee is what is really miserable.  Everything in my life revolves around him.  My world is now a little bit off kilter.  My friends and family have been amazing sources of support, so that helps. Some.  :)  I have spoken with him twice and received three letters.  I carry his letters around with me in my purse...what can I say, I'm in love.  I knew he was my favorite, my best friend, my everything, but my comittment to him has been renewed in this time apart.  I will go to his graduation in the middle of May and I can't wait to see how he has changed into an Airman. 

I was pretty much in denial about him leaving prior to his departure.  Now that he is gone, I've had to step up my manic obsessive researching and find out more about what he is actually doing.  I am so proud of him for making this decision to serve our country.  I am truly honored to be married to a man who has a hero's heart.  I have always known that he is the kind of man who puts others before self, who sacrifices in the time of need, who does the right thing when no one else does.  But now that he is in the military, I think he will have opportunities to show others that kind heart.

(In a side note, this is new for me, because my political/social beliefs are kind of anti-war.  I believe that war exists and that it will always exist, but I hate it.  But that's a discussion for another day.  Remind me to cover capital punishment then too.)

I have been trying to become a better version of myself in his absence.  I had some grand plans to get in shape and lose about ten pounds, but the above mentioned conglomorate of random time-sucking activities is making that hard.  I have accomplished a beautiful tan!  I also have made a point to spend time alone with God, listening to Him and reading His word before I write my husband each night.  It has really made a difference in my life.

Are any of you from military families?  Do you have advice for me or for him?  This is hard!

Happy Birthday to Lee/ Going Away Party #1

Lee's Dad's side of the family got together last night to celebrate his birthday and wish him good luck at boot camp and technical school.





Look at my sweet man

He is getting old!

Brothers gotta hug

Platinum Rule

Today I went to Pryor for work training.  I was excited to hear that our guest speaker after lunch was going to talk about helping families who have military members in the family.  Though I don't have any kids in my class with military members in their family, I have in the past and know that I probably will again in the future.  The information given was really helpful, and I really enjoy learning new things.  I learned that parenting stress doubles during deployment, and that 1 in 5 kids show distress while a parent is deployed.  The guest speaker emphasized the Platinum Rule- Do unto others as you would have them do unto others.  Though I don't actually think that we need the platinum rule as I think the golden rule still sums it all up, I think it is good to remember to speak kind to others because we don't always know what they are going through.

Here are some links to two videos that I thought highlighted the importance of the relationships between kids and their military parent:
Sailor and Son
Military Reunions

Here are some links to some of the info I liked:
Zero to Three
Military One Source
7 Cs of Resilience
MFLC

I felt like the training was speaking exactly to me.  Lee leaves for bootcamp and technical school in just over two weeks- yikes!  I've been living in denial, but they truth is that it is creeping up on me.  I need to stop pretending that it isn't happening and start focusing on the fact that he's leaving.  It makes me sad and I usually cry when we talk about it. 

I also learned that I'm going to Dallas for work training two days before Lee leaves...which means that we will be having our goodbye before he leaves for 6 months.  I am really not sure how I feel about it yet.  Maybe it's good, maybe it's bad.  I am really excited about the training, but I think it will make it harder to learn the material when I'm busy blubbering into Kleenex in the back row.

Are you from a military family?  Do you have any advice for me as Lee is leaving?