My Birthday Bash

This Wednesday was my 25th birthday.  It's pretty crazy that I am a quarter of a century old.  Happy birthday to me!

When I was in high school, I would have told you that when I was 25 I would live somewhere glamourous and work in marketing.  I wanted to be married to someone with green eyes who played baseball and travel all the time to exotic locations.  I wanted to drive a Land Rover or a Jeep Grand Cherokee and live in a two-story house.  I thought that I would cook an elaborate dinner every night and buy my clothes from the Limited and Ann Taylor.  I figured that I would be close to finishing grad school (either my MBA or possibly considering law school) and beginning to think about having babies.

My reality is closer to this:  I live in my hometown and work in education/ childcare/ social work.  I love my hazel eyed, God-fearing EMT husband.  We've been to Ethiopia, Mexcio twice, and taken many trip across the US.  I drive a black Xterra named Jean.  I live in the house that Lee's grandparents built in 1953.  I cook rarely (once a week) and buy my clothes mostly from Target, Marshalls, and the consignment stores in town.  I am 27 credit hours from my psychology degree.  And I want to have a baby.

My life doesn't exactly look like what I thought I wanted.  And that's okay.  I am content and satisfied with the life that God has given me.  When I look at the people in my life I realize that I am incredibly blessed.  Life is what you make it.  And I hope to make mine even better in this next year.

My actual birthday day:
I had to work.  Do you like how I said "had to" as if people should automatically be excused from work on their birthday?  My boss and some other co-workers called me at 6:45 from Washington D.C. and sang me "Happy Birthday".  When I got to work for staff meeting, other co-workers had brought a cookie cake and my favorite pizza dip.  My co-teacher gave me a ton of yummy candy and a cute Halloween t-shirt.  I really work with some of the best people.  And then my dad brought me flowers at work!!!  Pink is my favorite.

After work, I had to go to class.  Again with the "had to".  I also had a presentation with my friend Bethany over gender roles.

She's amazing.

After class, I met up with my sweet man and went to dinner at Osaka.  I had only been there once (years ago, for prom when I was a sophomore with a cool senior boyfriend).  There is a new location not too far from our house.  Osaka is a Japanese steakhouse and sushi restaurant that has a section of hibachi grilling.  We chose to sit on that side and were very entertained by the experience. 

Then Lee and I went home and tried to watch a "Bones" on Netflix.  We usually watch it in bed on the laptop, and today the allure of sleep a stronger pull than the storyline.

All in all, not a bad day.  I had many calls and texts throughout the day from family and friends.  What a lovely thing.  That's why I love birthdays- everyone gets to be part of the special day.  I heard from people that I don't get to talk to as much as I would like (stupid busy lives.)

Happy birthday to me!

Surprisingly Yummy

Amazing scrambled eggs.

Excercise Thoughts

So I haven't worked out in weeks....which is evidenced by how tight my clothes are...and the crappy way I feel.  And somehow I am surrounded by chocolate with absolutely NO will power to say "Away, darn chocolate".

The way I see it, there are two issues.  One is my lack of exercise.  I blame this on my busy schedule and my broken toe (well, it's not broken, but it's injured).  The second issue is my lack of healthy eating.  After all of my trauma, I went from eating organic and healthy to only eating crap. 

So I need to brainstorm some ideas for how to kick myself back into gear.  Do you have any thoughts?  Lazy me wants to stay parked on the couch reading blogs about other people running and eating well instead of doing those things myself.

A Mother's Love

My sisters and brother got this Mother's Love charm for me when we lost the baby.  I haven't taken it off yet.  I know it's silly, but I feel like if I wear it, I will honor her.  I worry that if I take it off, it means that I don't love her anymore, or that I'm saying I don't have room for her in my heart anymore.  It's funny how grief drives all logic away.  I catch myself playing with the charm a lot, and it makes me smile to know that though I only had her for two months, my life is better for having had her at all.

I have used the back of my bathroom door as a giant chalkboard in the past.  I usually write scriptures, quotes, etc on the door as inspiration or humor.  However, I had painted over it shortly before we lost the baby, and I've been unable to write anything on it yet.  I have been so immersed in my sadness that I felt like anything I wrote on there would be a lie.  Because even thought I one thousand percent believe in God's goodness, mercy, and love, I am sad.  Every day.  Today I can't get the image of God's truth casting light into my life out of my head.  I went into the bathroom and wrote "TRUTH" in big purple letters to help remind me that God gives beauty for ashes.  (BTW, that phrase may be my next tattoo).  I am actually excited about putting up new verses and quotes up now.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran

Puke

Every week our small group does potluck. Couples take turns making the main dish and everyone else brings the sides and desserts. This week we brought a hot cheese dip. The recipe came from our cousin Derek's new bride. Thanks Molly! When we got here a friend of ours told us that his mother calls this dish "puke". Don't let the name fool you- it's really yummy!






"Puke"
1 can of Rotel
2 8 oz blocks of cream cheese
1 lb of mild sausage

Brown and drain your sausage. Set aside. Cut cream cheese into small pieces and place in crock pot. Pour Rotel on top and add sausage. Turn crock pot to low. Stir occasionally until well blended. Serve with Fritos or Tostitos.
*** You can also place ingredients in a casserole dish and bake in oven.

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New glasses

Last week I wore my glasses to work. My eyes are fairly sensitive to sunlight, so I normally wear my contacts with my sunglasses. However, I hadn't slept much the night before and needed the renewal glasses can bring. While "hiding" under a blanket with some of my toddler friends, my glasses were ripped violently from my face and broken in two. I was blind! Luckily a coworker was able to drive me home to my contacts. Lee went with me to order my new glasses, and they are in!! They are a tortoise shell with aqua inside the frames. I like them.









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Happy Birthday Party Day

My whole immediate family gathered today to celebrate my upcoming birthday.  There is nothing better than the love of a family- and birthday presents!  My mom made my requested dinner- tuna casserole, which is my favorite.  Margaret Ann made a yummy pumpkin cheesecake.  Everything tasted great.  We put on some Southern Gospel music (I requested the Martins- does anyone else know who they are?).  I just love my family so much!

My sweet sisters and me:

And here is one of my sweet little brother:



And no album would be complete without one of my amazing man:

Confession

I have been a bad blogger.  I haven't written on here for awhile...I have been dealing with some personal tragedy and just now feel ready to talk about it.

Lee and I lost a baby in July.

And I am still so sad.

We found out that we were pregnant in June, the week of our 5 year anniversary.  Surprised, but overjoyed, we began to prepare our lives for the change that was coming.  We had been planning for months to celebrate our anniversary in sunny Mexico.  Traveling while pregnant was an adventure, and a guide on part of trip dubbed the baby "Adventure Baby".  I couldn't wait to get to my OB-GYN and start learning about the baby's development.  Hearing the baby's heartbeat was overwhelming, and seeing that perfect image on the ultrasound picture was the most profound moment.  At our first ultrasound, the doctor mentioned that the baby was measuring a week behind.  She told us that it was probably nothing, that I had maybe ovulated late or gotten my dates wrong, but cautioned us not to announce the pregnancy until we hit the second trimester.

I loved being pregnant.  I began to plan the next nine months, imagining what each upcoming event would look like pregnant.  I made plans to change my school schedule and made adjustments with my boss for my job.  We told our families, closest friends, and small group at church.  Everyone celebrated with us.  My sisters nicknamed the baby "Baby Bieber" and bought tons of presents.  I loved the secret of being pregnant, the joy and sense of fulfillment, the new purpose I felt as a mother.

On the last Saturday in July I began spotting.  I knew immediately that something was very wrong.  We were at a small party at some friends' house, and we left abruptly.  As soon as we got into the car I collapsed.  I knew already that the baby was gone...in retrospect I think I had known for awhile.  My doctor happened to be on call and put me on bed rest until Monday morning.

I laid awake Saturday and Sunday nights gripped with fear and desperation.  I bargained with God.  I cried.  I cried harder.  I cried even harder.  My family came over and held me while I cried.  People told me not to give up until we knew for sure...but I felt like I knew.  I prayed for a miracle, but knew that God's miracles look different to us sometimes.

On Monday the doctor confirmed what we already knew.  The baby had actually been gone for a few weeks.  So instead of being at 13.2, the baby measured 8.3 or 8.4.  I am still overcome with the image of my sweet child on that ultrasound screen.  We made the choice to miscarry naturally, and I went home with a prescription to hurry that process along.

The next few days are too terrible to mention.  Lee had to go to work (he works 24 hour shifts), and my mom and sisters stayed with me while everything happened.  The pain was awful, and my mental state was....well, awful.

We held a service for our little girl the next week.  We laid her to rest in a peaceful spot in the country on Lee's family land.  It was beautiful and perfect.  And devastating.  I didn't think that I could leave her.  How could I walk away from her?  As we placed the dirt over her and positioned the stone, I leaned on my incredible family.  My cousin Britni brought flowers for each woman to place on her grave, and it looked like she was well loved.

It's been almost three months since we lost our sweet Nora.  I think about her everyday.  I am trying to move forward in my healing, but still feel like I am treading water.  Everything is ten times harder than it used to be.  I don't care about school this semester and am performing terribly.  I am avoiding many social situations.  The rational side of me believes in God's perfect plan and knows that life will go on.  The emotional side of me is sidelined by my feelings of failure and loss.

I don't want her to be forgotten.  I want her to matter.  I want there to be purpose in my loss.